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FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO SUFFER FROM DEPRESSION AND FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DO NOT.

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I Wrote This Story Over Three Years Ago – Three Months After My Father Died.

In the story I mention that I didn’t know how long what I was going through would last, it turned out it was over 3 years and within the past few months I have finally started to get better.

I want to share this with those of you who may be struggling this year will all the craziness we have all went through.

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And yes, will are all different. But, I want people who struggle with his illness to know that as long as you are alive there is still hope because hopelessness is an illusion. As long as you are still breathing there is hope.

I came close to forgetting several times with my struggles.

That being said, I am personally doing better now than I ever have. Don’t give up.

That being said, I am personally doing better now than I ever have. Don’t give up.

And for those of you who don’t know what this illness feels like, God has spared you a torment. Be grateful. Those of us who do bare this cross can never express to you how it affects us and our lives.

It humiliates us and no one truly is capable of understanding what we are struggling with everyday.

That being said, I am personally doing better now than I ever have, so don’t give up.

And for those of you who don’t know what this illness feels like, God has spared you a torment. Be grateful. Those of us who do bare this cross can never express to you how it affects us and our lives.

INTEGRITY IS THE ONLY MORAL CURRENCY

“All my life the greatest fear I ever had was the thought of my mother or father passing. It was one of those fears that would keep me up in the bed at night as a small child unable to cope with the concept of such a loss. I don’t think I ever came to terms with it as a child or my entire adult life. I don’t think anyone ever really does. There is no preparations for that kind of loss.

My daddy died just over three months ago, believe me it has been the most agony I have ever experienced. Deep immense emotional pain on a level I never knew existed. The past few months have felt like I was wandering through a thick fog. I couldn’t keep up with things, confused all the time, and always one thought away from an emotional breakdown. I have had reactions to stress and grief I couldn’t understand and hence didn’t know how to deal with. I have been angry and stressed and have caught myself reacting to situations and saying things in a way that I have never tried to make a habit out of.

I could go on and on but you get the point. It’s been extremely hard.

Only today can I attempt to talk about t all without having an episode that ruins the entire rest of my day. I can now focus on work for most of the day without such an episode but the tears are always there. I have to make myself not think about it, or him (which makes me feel guilty) for most of the day just to get through it.

So, I said all that to say this.

I wanted to try to tell people who have never lost a loved one the way I had not how it was for me and how I got through it. You always hear people say you can’t prepare for such things and they are right. But I think I have one little pragmatic observation that could possibly help someone through, what was for me, the absolute hardest time of my life.

Here it goes, the shock, trauma and grief of it all hit me like an tsunami in the immediate time after he passed. There was no containing it. I tried, I wanted to stay strong for Mama, I didn’t want her to worry about me. I tried to be a fraction of the man my Daddy was to her, for her. I’m sure I failed but I tried my best.

The following days and weeks the grief hit me like buckets of water out of no where. I’d cry inconsolably for a while then pull myself together and try to get my work done. Anything could trigger it. Any kind of music, movies, commercials on radio, random observations in life all could bring on a crying spell.

I couldn’t talk to anybody about it all without bringing one on either. It was just horrible. It still is. I still experience all that but with slightly less frequency of repetition. However, I still can’t read all the Facebook posts everyone made about daddy when he died, I just can’t bring myself to try yet. Or answer the cards and letters we have received. It’s just still to raw. I want to thank people who reached out with their kind words and thoughts, but I am not there yet. I hope you all know how much it meant to me.

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I just want people to know that the grief comes in waves and you can’t control it. But it does go away and comes back just as bad if not worse. I have no idea how long this part takes but I hear it never really does.

But it does get better. It gets better, but not like day 3 was better than day 2 and day 4 was better than day 3. For me it was like day 63 was worse than day 5 and day 62 was the best day of them all. There seems to be no rhyme or reason to it. But overall it does get better. Life does indeed go on. It certainly didn’t stop for me or my family.

Once I figured out that the pain came in waves and there would be a temporarily reprieve from the it I dealt with it better. That’s what I want people to know. Not that anybody else’s experience would be like mine but since I always feared it without any idea of what to expect I hoped maybe I could help someone with my experience.

Thank you for your time. I know it took a while to read this post. I am humbled that you did through.”

If you struggle from depression please seek help. Below is a link you can click to receive help.

https://psychcentral.com/lib/depression-hotline-numbers/


The Washington County Auditor

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